November 13, 2018

What “disappointment” is pointing to.

This is an “I” post, as striving comes from a firm belief in “I.”

One of my biggest fears is to disappoint the people I love the most.

STRIVING. This has been the word. This has been the mechanism underpinning nearly all of my actions from a young age, when I first felt that something was irrevocably wrong. So subtle, but the foundation action of the ego none-the-less, before passing through that bedrock of personality and emerging into that which is before all personality, beyond foundation.

I see today that, no matter how hard I strive, I will never be anything anyone wants me to be. I will never be the love they themselves are striving for just as they will never be the love I am striving for. We are destined to greatly disappoint. This is so important, to disappoint. Because, if there is a purpose for why we exist as seemingly separate entities, I suggest that it is merely to point, to point each other back “inside.” To remind. To point back to the place before the striving.

No need to fish for love or hotwire connection. That connection is all that exists. And yet we search for it, long for it, hate each other for not being able to supply it or hate ourselves for not being able to find it.

There is no solution to this phantom reality. Only to notice when the striving is wanting to start, notice when the striving is happening and then attempt to see what is actually already here before it even begins. See what the striving is pointing to. What everything that disappoints is pointing to.

See what is there before we choose to enter the striving and disappointment.

We must meet disappointment, live into it again and again, so that we may be continuously pointed back to the only place where we can find what we are looking for.