October 29, 2018

What’s Happening?

There is something incredibly precious about what is happening in this body when no escape routes are being taken.

When sleep does not come to visit at the “appropriate time” and the fear of utter exhaustion the next day starts to settle in, what is actually coming to visit?

Last night at midnight it was a glitter cosmos of sensations, about 20 minutes of dancing in the candlelight, loads of thoughts, many of them full of fear, like “You’ve been moving and running for a year. And now you’ve stopped. Get ready for everything you’ve run from to hit the fucking wall,” all held in a much bigger, spacious container of “Oh, hello. Have you come knocking before?”

Present is an exponentially growing realization of something other than “the plan” knocking every second. Fully letting it in, fully experiencing it almost never feels, sounds, tastes, looks (or smells) like what was anticipated. It is richer, stronger, fuller, safer, even in the face of mortal danger. Or all the dangers we’ve rehearsed that have never been and will never be.

We do not need the courage to let it in. It will come in when we are ready. We do not even need to be vigilant. It will come through the door, possess us and alchemize us and we will have no other choice but to surrender. We can rest in that promise, that we dissolve into true love.

This. This is what is happening in this body when no escape routes are being taken.